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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26228305">Cloud Nine (Minus Nine)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/minbinzin/pseuds/minbinzin'>minbinzin</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>3Racha Are A Thing In Every Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Anxiety, But Not An Eating Disorder, Depression, Disordered Eating, Hurt/Comfort, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Lot of Hurt Only Minimal Comfort, Other, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, So Much Self Projection, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 10:55:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,922</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26228305</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/minbinzin/pseuds/minbinzin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“Everybody has their bad days.”</p><p>Changbin tells himself this whenever he’s in a bad mood, ready to cry or sleep the day away or when he feels the need to yell at someone. Changbin continues to tell himself this despite the fact that nearly every single day has been a Bad Day for him since February.</p><p>**edited</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>119</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Cloud Nine (Minus Nine)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>There are somewhat detailed descriptions of self-harm and suicidal ideation in this fic!! Please proceed with caution if any of these subjects have the potential to be triggering.</p><p>I edited a certain person out of this fic!!!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>“Everybody has their bad days.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin tells himself this whenever he’s in a bad mood, ready to cry or sleep the day away or when he feels the need to yell at someone. Changbin continues to tell himself this despite the fact that nearly every single day has been a Bad Day for him since February. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He tells himself that it’s simply a Bad Day the first time he relents and gives in to the urge to self-harm. It’s another Bad Day when his emotional capacity shuts off, leaving him numb and confused. Changbin knows Bad Days don’t extend to mass amounts of anxiety attacks and a total loss of self-esteem and self-worth. But he pretends all is well and that all of this is a result of being tired. He realizes that it’s unhealthy to ignore and bottle up his feelings, but he doesn’t care. After all, he’s still functioning and deceiving himself that everything is going to be okay. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>From February to July, Changbin is able to hide his Bad Days (which at this point, are every day) from his friends with smiles, jokes, and laughter. They all complain about his hyper moods and his overly affectionate demeanor as he pinches their cheeks and talks to them in the babyish voice he knows annoys them. He diligently attends every scheduled get together and plans quite a few of his own. Nobody suspects a thing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sometime in the week following his birthday, Changbin’s Bad Days start becoming unbearable. His anxiety shows up full force, angry at being put on the back burner for so long. Changbin’s too anxious to leave the house for two weeks. He spends a lot of the time sneaking into the bathroom to self-harm while his parents and sister are out working or enjoying the summer weather. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Starting college is what throws him for the biggest loop. Despite having attended two years with his best friends on the same campus, Changbin is </span>
  <em>
    <span>nervous.</span>
  </em>
  <span> His newest roommate is nice, as are his suitemates and he manages to find time to stick to his self destructive activities while sharing a bathroom between four people. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Classes are more difficult than last year, but it’s nothing Changbin can’t manage with some study time and elbow grease. His friends live close by and they take turns hanging out at each other’s dorms and apartments every weekend and at cafes during their free time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin is drowning anyways, even with his overly cheerful set of friends and classes he enjoys and a roommate he’s kind of friends with and a phone call from his mother every day. He loses himself to his mind and ugly thoughts whenever nobody’s speaking to him or engaging with him. The voice in his head tears down all of the positive thoughts Changbin’s had about himself and any positive things others have to say about him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you coming tonight?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin forces himself back into his mind at the question, blinking up at Minho for a few seconds before he mentally catches up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think so,” he says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minho frowns. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why not?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Forgot I had a project due. Going to have to scrounge something up within the next few hours so I pass.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The lie slips off his tongue so easily, it surprises him. Changbin’s never lied to get out of a get together before. He didn’t have a reason to skip their movie night—something in the back of his mind tells Changbin he simply shouldn’t go.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That sucks,” Minho replies. “Do you need any help on it?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin’s heartbeat speeds up. Fuck, he shouldn’t lie on the spot like this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, it’s okay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minho raises an eyebrow. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You sure?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s a poetry assignment,” Changbin lies. “I’ll just be looking through old lyric sheets and finding something to fit the theme. Change the words around a little bit, you know?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minho hums. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can stay with you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nah. Go ahead and hang out with the others. Let me live vicariously through you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pinches Minho’s cheek, letting out an unintelligible string of babying words that has Minho slapping his hand away with a scowl. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Disgusting,” Minho complains. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You love me,” Changbin says, though he doesn’t currently believe that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minho sticks his tongue out at Changbin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re going to be late.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minho’s out the door after a bit of prodding and Changbin’s free to sit in his bed staring at the wall and wishing he were someone else. Minho didn’t confirm that he did love Changbin, but he doesn’t have to, because he sends fried chicken to be delivered to Changbin’s dorm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The gesture is sweet and typical Minho fashion. Yet Changbin sits, munching on the chicken in his communal kitchen wondering why he refused to hang out with his friends. He’s not tired of them, he decides, but he bets they’re definitely tired of him. Surely their night was quieter and more enjoyable without Changbin’s high energy and his bad jokes. He was doing them a favor.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin finds his smiles harder and harder to fake in the next week or two. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix and Jisung’s birthdays fall one day right after the other. He spends an entire day at the mall with Seungmin, Jeongin, and Hyunjin picking out gifts for the sunshine twins and helping them decide on party decorations. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They throw a surprise party in Chan’s apartment that begins an hour before midnight on Jisung’s birthday that continues a few hours into the early morning of Felix’s birthday. Both of the birthday boys are thrilled, if the way Felix is dancing wildly in the middle of the living room with Hyunjin is anything to go by. Jisung’s hanging on Changbin’s arm, warbling along to the song blaring through Chan’s portable speaker. He’s not drunk, but he may as well be.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you even listening to me?” Jisung shouts. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin tears his eyes away from the spot on the wall he’d been staring at to look at a glowing Jisung. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You so weren’t!” Jisung says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry!” Changbin says over the music. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me, Jeongin, and Minho are going to karaoke tomorrow night! Do you want to come?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Truthfully, the idea of watching some of his friends get tipsy and sing horribly into a microphone while the others dance around him sounds like a good time. Changbin loves making a fool of himself and watching his friends let loose to do the same. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think I have a family obligation that night!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin’s stunned at the lie that slips out instead of an acceptance. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, if you don’t!” Jisung wiggles his eyebrows. “You should totally join us!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin nods. But his brain’s already decided that he isn’t going to take them up on the offer; Jisung probably only invited him because Changbin’s been supposedly swamped with work the last few weeks. He bets Minho put Jisung up to asking. Or that it was a pity invite. They’d enjoy their time much better without Changbin’s constant cuddling or baby voice. He knew Jeongin would appreciate the relief. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi, sweetheart.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin’s mother sounds confused to see him on their living room couch. His mind supplies that she was probably having a nice evening in and he’s disrupted her plans for the night. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi,” he says, suddenly self conscious. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She tugs him off the couch into a hug. Changbin tucks his chin into her shoulder, savoring the warmth and love she radiates and the way she smells like home. He holds back tears as she pulls away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wasn’t expecting you home,” she says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry...I just sort of decided at the last second…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His mother waves her hand, grinning. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t apologize. I missed you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s only been a month, mom.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin doesn’t say that he misses her, too. He misses how she understands his every little mannerism that suggests he’s not doing well. He misses the way she smells and how safe he feels when she’s hugging him or petting his hair. Changbin resists the urge to ugly cry as she does just that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A mother always misses her baby,” she says. “Now come on, let me feed you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stays the night. Changbin ends up awake until the early hours of morning, staring at his posters on the wall. He winds up clutching his Munchlax plush, sobbing into the blue felt as he rides out the waves of anxiety threatening to drown him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin knows he’s a burden to his friends and he keeps getting in the way of their plans. He feels sorry to his mother for invading her evening and to his parents, who are paying for his college so he can go into an industry where he’s not sure if he can thrive. Changbin’s apologetic to his sister, too. He’s always been the obnoxious little brother to her and though they have a good relationship, Changbin knows he’s difficult to handle sometimes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The trip home doesn’t heal Changbin like he wished it would. Frustration builds in his chest as the one thing he relied on remains ineffective against the torrent of anxiety and apathy that’s been running Changbin’s life for the past six months. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin takes his Munchlax plush to his dorm and nestles it between his pillows and comforter. The little guy is a good crying companion—has been since Changbin was an emotional twelve year old. He doesn’t know why he left the Munchlax back home in the first place. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You spaced out,” Seungmin whines.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin blinks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Huh?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re voting on where to hang out this weekend,” Hyunjin says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you zoned out the entire time!” Jeongin says. “Now we have to repeat the options all over again!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin’s a burden, but he decides to save his friends this one. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So there’s—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay.” He interrupts Chan; he feels like an asshole. “I’m, uh, busy this weekend.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minho and Chan share a glance. Minho directs his fiery gaze to Changbin with a frown. Changbin knows Minho’s catching on to the fact that Changbin’s been rejecting half of their hangouts lately. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Busy doing </span>
  <em>
    <span>what</span>
  </em>
  <span>?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anxiety curls up his throat. He knows his friends are probably less than amused by him at this point, but having physical evidence stirs dark feelings lurking in his chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My mom asked me to help her host a business dinner,” he coughs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin wills his cheeks to fade from the red hue they’re sporting under Minho’s scrutinizing glare. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why didn’t you say no?” Minho asks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because he’s a Mama’s Boy,” Jisung teases. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The weight of Minho’s gaze disappears and Changbin thanks God for Jisung. While it’s a jab meant to tease him, Changbin </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> a big Mama’s Boy at heart. His friends murmur in agreement and even Minho drops the subject of Changbin’s absence from their upcoming hangout. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin’s mother pulls him in for a hug the second he steps into their home. She must’ve heard him enter the passcode, because he certainly didn’t warn her that he was coming to visit. Now that Changbin thinks about it, though, he should have. What an asshole move it is to show up uninvited for a weekend. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi, Mom.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello, Changbin.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She pets his hair and smooths it down the same as she always does with that warm look in her eyes and a loving smile. A sob falls out of Changbin’s mouth before he’s aware of it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, baby.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His mother’s scent fills his nose as she pulls Changbin to her chest. Her hand pets the back of his head. Changbin buries his face in her neck and the ugly sobs rip through his chest until he can’t breathe and he feels like a little kid. He’s probably holding her a bit too tight, but she murmurs reassurances and soothes him anyways. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s the matter?” she asks when he quiets. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin nearly says he’s tired, but he knows by now that it’s obviously a veiled way to say he’s not doing too hot mentally. It’s also why he never replies with “I’m fine” when people ask him how he’s feeling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stressed,” Changbin says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you want to talk about it?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin ends up telling her that his classes are harder and he’s feeling the pressure of his classes focusing on his major. He’s got a few projects due this month and songs to write and a collaboration with a dance major to work on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His mother listens intently and offers him advice. She remains supportive of the major he’s chosen and reassures Changbin that she’s proud of him and happy he can pursue something he enjoys. She only stops hugging him to insist on making him a home cooked meal. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He spends the weekend feeling like a total asshole. Changbin </span>
  <em>
    <span>does</span>
  </em>
  <span> help his mother host a small business party in their house and he aids his father in fixing up a few things around the house. His sister drags him off to a VR arcade on Sunday evening. They don’t seem to mind him coming home a few weekends after college has started. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin sits in his bed at night, awake and staring at the ceiling. The lights are off so nobody passes by his room and gets suspicious of his late nights. He curls around his Munchlax plush and rides out the desire to hurt himself. His skin buzzes with anxiety and something darker. He manages to cry a few times, but his mom’s backed off from making sure he’s okay. Changbin guesses he’s gotten better at faking his smiles for them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re coming, right?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, I’m coming,” Changbin says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Exasperation seeps into his voice like he’s offended that Felix is asking him this question; Changbin knows damn well that he’s skipped a majority of their hangouts that week. He’s sure the others have noticed, too. Minho and Chan keep staring at him when they think he’s not looking. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And we can go out to eat afterward?” Jeongin asks, bouncing in excitement. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin arranges the corners of his lips into a small smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure. I’ll pay.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin ruffles Jeongin’s hair with a series of babying words despite Jeongin protests. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ugh,” Jeongin wrinkles his nose. “I’m only going since you’re paying.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We have to pick out Seungmin’s party decorations! And I still haven’t decided on his present yet!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So unprepared, Lix.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin ignores the voice whispering to him that he’s a shitty friend because he hasn’t gotten anything for Seungmin yet, either. It’s tempting to skip the party altogether when Changbin realizes the toll it’ll take on his energy and mental health. Changbin’s a horrible friend and he suspects the others are catching on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s get going before Bin remembers some responsibility he’s forgotten about and he skips out on us!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeongin’s joking and to some extent, Changbin knows that. The jab worms its way under his skin and nestles into a little place in its heart to have an extended stay. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shut up, it’s not my fault I’m busy.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin shoves Jeongin too roughly. He crams his shaking hands into his pockets and smiles widely. It feels more like a grimace, but Jeongin and Felix are looking cheerful, so he must not have ruined the mood. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Onward!” Felix cheers.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin zones out the entire shopping trip. His hands don’t stop shaking and Jeongin’s ‘joke’ repeats through his head every time they make eye contact. The weather is cool, but Changbin’s skin burns hot under his jacket. Sweat pricks at his neck and his chest is tight only because of how dusty the mall is. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pays for their lunch and buys Felix and Jeongin ice cream before they leave. It doesn’t make up for the amount of hangouts he’s skipped out on, but he hopes his friends realize he does care about them. It’s just that lately he can’t bring himself to be around anyone, save for maybe his mother. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin walks Felix and Jeongin to their dorms once the day is over. Hyunjin catches sight of him as Felix opens the door. He tries to ignore Hyunjin’s indignant: </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey! You didn’t tell me </span>
  <em>
    <span>Changbin</span>
  </em>
  <span> went with you!! What the fuck?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Really, Changbin shouldn’t feel so lonely and left out. He’s the one rejecting their offers and invitations to hang out. None of his friends are intentionally excluding him from their group—Changbin has been isolating himself. Changbin’s the only one at fault for how many evenings he spends sitting at his desk staring down at lyric sheets he either doesn’t write on or fills with words he’d never show Chan and Jisung. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You snooze, you lose!” Felix laughs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin is pouting up at Changbin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well if I knew he was going, I would’ve joined!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The words don’t do much to make Changbin feel loved or wanted, though he knows they should.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll see me tomorrow, Jinnie. At Seungmin’s birthday party.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Obviously!” Hyunjin says. “But I didn’t know you were free for once!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>If only they knew how free Changbin was all the time. Despite how he feels, Changbin powers through every project and paper he’s given. Working helps take the edge off of his thoughts and anxieties. He produces music with Chan and Jisung regularly, but that’s pretty much the extent of Changbin’s priorities. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s kind of shocked they’re not aware that he’s lying yet. His first two years of college, Changbin had ample free time between music, classes, homework, and whatever his family needed help with on certain weekends. He used to be one of the go-to friends when somebody needed a companion to accompany them to doctor’s appointments or free lectures or a campus event. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chan and Jisung aren’t as busy as Changbin claims to be and honestly, that should be the biggest giveaway that Changbin is lying. All three of them share a major and a rap group. Their schedules coincided for the first two years of college and the third is no different. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Clear your schedule to hang out with me soon,” Hyunjin requests.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll try.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He lies a lot these days. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin clings to Changbin’s arm the entire bus ride to Chan’s off campus apartment. He has Seungmin on his other arm and Jisung whining about wanting cuddles, too. Them fighting over him should be reassuring and nice. Changbin sees it as a sign of just how absent and shitty he’s being to his best friends. He sort of wants to disappear so he can stop disappointing them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chan fails to hide his pleasantly surprised expression when Changbin steps through the door with Hyunjin and Seungmin cuddled up to him. Chan grins and his eyes take on that loving shimmer Changbin usually sees in his mom’s eyes. His heart quivers a bit at that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look who cleared his schedule for us!” Minho whoops from the kitchen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeongin’s head pops out from behind the fridge door, smiling when he makes eye contact with Changbin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Innie and I got to have him all to ourselves yesterday,” Felix gloats. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nausea swirls in Changbin’s stomach. Poison fills his veins as he watches his friends argue about spending time with him. He doesn’t stop thinking about what Minho said. Did they actually assume Changbin wouldn’t force his schedule to be free no matter what to celebrate his friend’s birthday? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Seungminnie gets birthday kisses today!” Changbin singsongs in a babyish voice to get the attention away from him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seungmin steps back with wide eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No way!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Our little Seungminnie! He’s no longer a baby anymore!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seungmin whines and groans as he loses the fight against Changbin. He screams when Changbin finally presses a large kiss to Seungmin’s cheek. Seungmin rubs at the area with a disgusted frown. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, gross!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They start the party and Changbin finds himself trying to blend into the background. He chatters idly with everyone about stupid things and dances crazily with Minho in the middle of Chan's living room. Per Seungmin’s request, 3RACHA perform a cringey rendition of Wow. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seungmin’s birthday party should be fun. Changbin would usually dissolve into a ball of energy, bouncing around to everyone and smothering them in affection. Tonight, he goes on autopilot and lets his body do all the talking and dancing. Everyone’s too caught up in birthday festivities to notice that his behavior is off. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin hangs out with Minho and Jeongin the next day. He’s dead on his feet and his heart stopped beating sometime after Seungmin’s party. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The late September weather is chilly and seeps into Changbin’s bones. He pulls on a hoodie and a jacket before he leaves, but he still feels cold. Jeongin’s smile doesn’t warm him up and neither does the soup Minho insists on treating them to.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeongin flinches away from Changbin’s hugs and attempts to cuddle up to him. Minho shoves him off when Changbin tries to make him his next victim. Changbin supposes it’s time to stop subjecting his friends to his obnoxious expression of love. He absolves to accept any affection he’s given without providing any in return. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin spends the weekend in bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His phone pings with texts from the group chat where he knows they’re planning to hang out at least twice. He never opens the messages, but a hole forms in his chest on Monday morning when he sees the group selfies they’ve sent into the chat. He shouldn’t feel left out, because it’s his own fault. But he does. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin’s been on the verge of tears a lot these days. Any and everything is liable to make them well up in his eyes. He ignores the soul crushing sadness he feels. He has no reason to feel this way. His life is going fine and his friends love him. His family is healthy and happy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chan’s birthday sneaks up on Changbin and he’s forced to peel himself from his bed to wander down to Chan’s apartment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung sticks himself to Changbin’s side with a whine. He’s spent the last few writing sessions begging Changbin to come to a festival with him, Minho, and Hyunjin. Changbin hasn’t given him a straight answer yet because he wants Jisung to keep clinging to his arm every time he begs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin has stopped doling out affection to his friends and besides Seungmin’s high fives, he isn’t getting much physical contact. Minho pinched his cheek last week and Changbin wanted to burst into tears because he missed it so much. It’s kind of pathetic that he’s touch starved after a week and a half without initiating affection, but Changbin’s always been a bit fragile and touch is undoubtedly his love language. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s become reliant on hurting himself to push away his anxiety. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Crush is going to be there!” Jisung says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t you take Chan, then?” Changbin asks. “He </span>
  <em>
    <span>loves</span>
  </em>
  <span> Crush.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This trip is his birthday surprise from me! That’s why he’s never in the studio when I ask you to come with us!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin thinks about the gift he’s giving Chan tonight. It certainly won’t mean as much to Chan as Jisung’s present will. He kind of wants to say he forgot Chan’s gift back at his dorm so he can search for another one to present Chan with tomorrow. Changbin elects to suck it up and give Chan his disappointing gift. He’ll make it up to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good to see you, Binnie!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin’s fronted by the sentiment. It’s the first words out of Chan’s mouth when he and Jisung stumble into the kitchen of Chan’s apartment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You saw me yesterday,” Changbin replies. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chan just smiles. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wonder if the Birthday Boy is getting kisses today,” Changbin says in that baby voice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chan’s eyes take on a warmth that leaves Changbin a bit shaken. His friends don’t tend to react so tenderly to his antics. Especially when he’s forcing his affection onto them. But it’s a birthday tradition and Changbin’s not about to miss a birthday no matter how shitty he feels. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Absolutely not,” Chan says with a smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he still lets Changbin press a rough kiss to his cheek at the end of the night after everyone’s danced their hearts out and sang at the top of their lungs loud enough to make the neighbors complain. It lacks the usual fanfare, but Chan doesn’t bring it up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin is unexpectedly “busy” all week. He lies to his friends that he’s cramming for exams and working on song lyrics and producing. Changbin spends his time in class, the studio, or his dorm room. He doesn’t accept their evening hangout invites and he misses a couple of their usual lunch dates. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He spends most nights curled around Munchlax and thinking about how bad of a friend he is. A few texts buzz on his phone—no doubt his friends trying to coerce him into another group hangout session—but Changbin ignores them. Something in the back of his mind whispers that his friends are doing it out of pity more than anything. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin’s professor praises his songwriting skill and holds him back after class to tell him that he’s talented and has a bright future. Changbin is too numb to care. He sort of wants to slip away to his house to rot away in his childhood bedroom with Munchlax in his arms. As much as he misses it there, he refuses to go home. He doesn’t want his mom to see him like this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin’s mood plummets the next week and he’s drowning. He begins wearing the brightest clothes in his wardrobe so his friends don’t associate his dark clothing with his increasingly abysmal mood. They compliment how he looks in pink. It’s his favorite color, and he should feel pleased with the positive feedback. Changbin still feels so numb. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His roommate and suite-mates don’t call Changbin out on the fact that his showers are getting longer with each passing day. His roommate is kind enough to ignore the days where Changbin can’t force himself out of bed and into the shower. His roommate helps him with his laundry and dorm chores, instead. Changbin should feel grateful, but he feels useless and stupid. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin’s vision has begun going dark green around the edges whenever he stands up or does physical activity. He stops going to the gym with his friends. He keeps zoning out and forgetting to eat. He’s sick and shaky and his movements become clumsier with each passing day. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minho’s birthday party is the first time they see him outside of lunch, the gym, and the studio since Chan’s birthday. They all look shocked to see him come through the door of Chan’s apartment, gift in hand and smile on his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi, Binnie!” Felix smiles. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seungmin pats the couch cushion beside him with a grin and Jeongin scoots over to make room for him. Hyunjin’s eyes light up, as do Chan and Minho’s. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re later than Jisung was,” Minho smiles. “Nobody’s ever achieved that feat before.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey!” Jisung protests. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry! I got caught in some drama with my suite-mates.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s one of the few truths Changbin’s told over the past few months. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Glad you made it,” Minho smiles. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Now let’s party!” Hyunjin cheers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minho hangs around him all night. The other boys butt into their conversations and jokes any chance they get. Changbin feels weird with all the attention, but chalks it up to the fact that Minho’s the birthday boy and he deserves to be doted on. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin almost forgets to bestow an obnoxiously loud kiss unto Minho’s cheek before the party’s over. He remembers when they finally cut the cake to symbolize that the party is winding down. Minho smears frosting on his cheek in retaliation, but Changbin’s grateful for the playful gesture and the touch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seungmin pulls him into a hug on his way out the door and everyone follows suit. It’s the most Changbin’s been in physical contact with another human being in nearly a month. Holding back the tears is a Herculean effort, but he manages and is thankful for how dark the room is. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you,” Minho says when he lets go of Changbin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin blinks. Minho isn’t the type to say such things aloud. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Huh?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You heard me,” Minho murmurs, shoving him gently. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you, too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin makes sure to show up at their lunch table the next few days. He grabs his own tray that he gradually disposes of by feeding his friends while talking in a baby voice. Chan gives him a worried look when Changbin leaves to put his tray away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin doesn’t want to leave his room the day after Chan gives him that look. He doesn’t want to face his friends or the fact that he’s starting to feel like a stranger among them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But as fate would have it, the world hates him as much as Changbin’s begun to hate himself. Chan and Minho show up at his dorm unannounced.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, hello.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin can’t keep the shock out of his voice. Nobody comes back to his dorm unless he invites them. Come to think of it, none of his friends have been in his dorm for a month.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi,” Minho says. “Can we come in?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin steps aside. He’s glad he made the effort to shower this morning. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sure.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He walks them into the kitchen of his suite and pulls out a few mugs. Changbin makes them tea and once he’s served them, he starts brewing coffee for himself. His hands are shaking profusely and he’s mentally cursing for them to cooperate with him in front of Chan and Minho. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chan’s nearly finished his cup by the time Changbin is pulling a mug down from the cabinet to serve himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you feeling alright these days, Binnie?” Chan asks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin nearly fumbles and drops his mug on the counter in surprise. He turns with a raised eyebrow. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m good,” he answers. “How are you, hyung?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh, pretty good. You’ve been a bit busy lately,” Chan prompts. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin fills up his mug while he thinks of an excuse.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Class workloads,” Changbin shrugs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minho tugs on his sleeve.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hm?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“C’mon.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin lets Minho lead him to his bed. He makes sure Changbin’s settled with his mug in his hands and his back against the wall before he and Chan sit across from him, crammed on the foot on Changbin’s bed. Changbin feels like he’s in trouble. If he doesn’t play his cards right, he will be.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is this an intervention?” he chuckles, trying to hide the anxiety brewing in his chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minho and Chan don’t react, faces stoic. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Changbin…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin takes a deep breath.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know you can tell us anything, right?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And that’s the thing. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>does</span>
  </em>
  <span> know. Of course he knows. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chan and Minho were the most open minded and supportive people he knew. They’d willingly listen to any complaint he had, no matter how small or petty it was. Hell, he knew either of them would comfort him and help him come up with a plan to make his mentality less suffocating and consuming. All he had to do was reach out and say those ugly little words lurking beneath his skin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course. I’ll come to you guys if I need anything.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin doesn’t miss the slight disappointment edging into their features. He pointedly keeps his own bright and open, hoping to convince them that they’ve read the situation wrong. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is something bothering you?” he asks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chan’s expression pinches. Minho gives him a wavering smile—small but pained. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just thought we’d let you know,” Minho says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hums. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you. I’ll be sure to take you up on that when the time comes.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>None of them mention that the time had long since come, months ago. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We love you,” Chan tries. “We care about you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you, too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin forces his eyes to warm up to show something similar to love. Not that he doesn’t love his friends—he does, so much. But nowadays, he’s not sure if he can feel the emotions he’s supposed to. He knows his emotions are there and he’s perfectly aware of all the things he </span>
  <em>
    <span>should</span>
  </em>
  <span> be feeling. Changbin can’t seem to unlock the ability to bring those emotions to the surface. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry if I’ve done something to worry you,” Changbin says sincerely. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He tries to stay secretive and aware of himself and his surroundings. Changbin spends too much energy making sure his expression remains bright, open, and light. There’s so many instances in which he notices his behavior is beginning to hint to the others that he wasn’t doing as well as he was pretending to be. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We just want you to be okay,” Minho says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m okay, hyung! No need to worry!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wishes he wasn’t so good at faking his smiles these days. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright,” Minho relents. “Can Channie and I at least treat you to dinner?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As tired as Changbin is mentally and physically, he misses his friends more than anything. His stomach is already protesting at the idea of food. Changbin hasn’t been eating much these days. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Really?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chan nods, a genuine and more free smile gracing his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haven’t gotten to hang out with you in a while, Bin.” </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Because I’ve been lying to you about how busy I’ve been</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Changbin thinks bitterly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry about that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We understand,” Minho says gently. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>More than I wish you did.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Chan’s obviously pleased with Changbin’s agreement to come out to dinner with them. He keeps catching Changbin’s hand in his and sneaking glances when he thinks Changbin isn’t looking. Every time they make eye contact, Chan gives him a blinding smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minho is more reserved and understandably suspicious about Changbin’s good mood. His eyes linger on Changbin whenever the conversation dies down or their waitress distracts them from their antics. He feeds Changbin half of the meal and refills his drink, pressing it into Changbin’s cold hands with a gentle gaze. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We love you, Changbin,” Minho says as they step out of the restaurant. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin can feel the emotionally charged meaning behind the words. Minho's subtly begging him to open up to them. At the very least, he’s aware that Minho's trying to instill the knowledge that he’s loved and cared for into Changbin’s mind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you too, hyung.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Which is why he can’t say what he needs to say to them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin spends the next couple of days floating between class and his dorm, letting his phone’s inbox pile high with unanswered text messages from his friends. As much as he loves them, he’s tired and trying to lay low. Hanging out with Chan and Minho took a lot out of him—Changbin doesn’t feel like he has much left to give, lately. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung calls him whining and demands he come down to the studio to work on a song with him on the fourth day. Changbin’s dead tired, but he agrees. His friends are starting to get suspicious. Sitting with them at lunch every day isn’t satisfying their need to be sure Changbin is functioning and well. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you, hyung!” Jisung sings. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His friends have been saying that a lot these days. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You just want my company,” Changbin says, joking.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung’s jovial mood sobers up—Changbin can feel it even over the phone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course I do. You’re my best friend. I like working with you and spending time with you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin doesn’t know what to say to that. Part of him knows that his friends care and love him. He knows he’s a part of their group as much as everyone else is. But an increasingly loud voice in his head tells Changbin that his friends would be perfectly fine without him. Hell, maybe they wouldn’t notice he’d left. He’d been absent from their hangouts a lot these days. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re coming, right?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung’s voice snaps him out of the daze. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“On my way,” Changbin answers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He considers stepping in front of a bus when he gets ready to cross the street and head to the studio they always rent. He’s not sure where the thought comes from. It bothers Changbin that he doesn’t feel scared or alarmed by the thought. But he’s got music to produce right now, so he pushes it away for another day.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin knows everything’s going to be bad the second he wakes up the next morning. His heart is heavy and there’s an ominous itch under his skin that he knows is going to take a lot to get rid of. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to get breakfast in a few. Do you want to come?” his roommate asks when he notices that Changbin’s awake. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Distantly, Changbin can feel his head shake to reject the offer. He lays in bed with numb limbs and watches his roommate pull on some shoes and step out the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anxiety floods him now that he’s alone. Without any eyes watching for a hidden expression slipping out or any hints of stress in his face, Changbin’s face droops. Everything in his body feels so heavy. Changbin sleeps a normal amount—which is a feat in itself—yet he remains so, so tired. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin’s such a burden to his friends. Even now, his phone pings with incoming messages that are most likely inviting him to hang out with them or study together. They’ve clearly gone out of their way to include him in everything they do. All of them have taken to paying for his meals or treating him to coffees every few days in the hopes of brightening his mood. Changbin doesn’t deserve such treatment. Especially when he continues to distance himself from them and hide away his ugly feelings of worthlessness. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tears well up in his eyes before he knows they’re there. He chokes on a harsh sob that he can’t be bothered to tamp down. Changbin’s sought out solitude the last month and half, but now that he’s got it, his heart is begging to be around someone. His hands are shaking when he brings them up to grip his ears, small crescents forming over the cartilage as his body is wracked with sobs Changbin had no idea he was holding on to. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>There’s nothing to cry about</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he scolds himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin peels himself from the bed, stumbling to his dresser to pull out a fresh set of clothes, a towel, and the little plastic container shoved in the depths of his sock drawer. If he’s going to break down like this, he doesn’t need an audience. He may as well take this to the shower. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin turns the water to the hottest setting and sits on the floor by the drain. He hadn’t planned on washing himself today, so he skips all of those steps in favor of curling up under the spray and sobbing until his throat is raw. The anxiety only gets more overwhelming with each passing second. Changbin pulls his razor blade out of the plastic container and takes a slow, shuddering breath. He presses it to his skin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The tremors in his hands lessen with each new slice. Adrenaline takes over—both from being in such a precarious position and due to the pain his body is feeling. His mind clears up a little bit, but the nasty, dark mass constricting his lungs weighs heavily still. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anybody could walk in right this moment. All they would have to do is peel back the shower curtain and see Changbin in all his depressed glory. He entertains the idea of being caught by one of his suite-mates; truthfully, he wants help. But he’s not going to ask for it. He kind of wants one of his friends or his roommate to force the truth out of him so they can set him on the path to recovery. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A knock on the door startles him. In the back of his mind, Changbin’s glad the blade wasn’t atop his skin right that second.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re taking forever in there,” his roommate calls. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“S-Sorry! I’ll be out in a minute!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin hurriedly grabs the cup in the corner of the shower and dumps the water it collected onto the tile. Rust colored water rushes toward the drain.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have work in 40 minutes,” his roommate says. “Please hurry!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He feels like a total asshole. He didn’t intentionally hog the shower—he had no idea what day or time it was. Not that that’s an excuse. Everything he’d chased away with his razor blade resurfaces immediately. He was such a burden on those around him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll, uh, get dressed in our room?” Changbin suggests. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>An affirmative hum reverberates through the bathroom door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shit,” he hisses under his breath. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin shuts off the water, triple checking if the tiles are clean before he wraps the towel around his waist with a wince. He roots through the medicine cabinet, pulling out gauze and medical tape. Luckily, he’s brought his clothes with him. Changbin shoves the items between the fabric.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He steals a glance back at the shower, ashamed of what he’s just done. Changbin’s brain supplies him with the image of how nice his body would look lying limply on the shower floor. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Changbin?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His roommate jumps when Changbin flings the door open. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The questioning gaze feels hot on his bare back; Changbin pretends he doesn’t notice. His roommate lingers before he snaps out of the confusion at Changbin’s demeanor. The door clicks shut behind him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin bandages himself up in his closet with his phone as a flashlight. He spends the rest of the day blasting music whilst deep cleaning his dorm room so he doesn’t have to think anymore.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin’s roommate is acting weird. He hasn’t stopped staring at Changbin with intense, analyzing eyes whenever they’re together in their shared room. It’s been a few days since the shower incident and Changbin’s wondering what part of his behavior that day tipped his roommate off to his underlying mental state. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Having eyes on him all the time is suffocating and the anxiety closes his throat. Changbin starts spending his days at the studio with Chan and Jisung, producing songs together and eating shitty Chinese food in Jisung’s dorm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We….need to talk.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin’s backpack slips down his shoulder. His pulse skyrockets. Sweat beads up on his neck as he stares back at his roommate. Changbin wrings his quaking hands together. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“About what?” he asks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sounds innocently confused instead of so anxious he could puke. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know we barely know each other and we agreed to try to stay out of each other’s business, but this isn’t something I can ignore.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh. The intervention he was hoping for is happening. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin regrets wishing for this moment to come. He wants to be six feet underground so that nobody can tell him that they know he’s struggling and they won’t be able to bother him. His knees are beginning to go weak.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I...don’t want to accuse you of anything. Especially something so </span>
  <em>
    <span>big</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He can’t but be overwhelmed with disappointment. Something tells him that he hasn’t been caught solely because of his behavior. He was sloppy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But, uh, you were obviously the last person who used the shower that day.  And you...left this behind.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His roommates' hands are shaking, too. He pulls a familiar plastic case out of his pocket and holds it out to Changbin. Changbin’s hands remain limply by his sides. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not my place to confront you about this,” his roommate says. “But your safety is important and clearly you’re at risk for something...</span>
  <em>
    <span>more</span>
  </em>
  <span> dangerous than what you’re already doing to happen. You need to get help.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin’s ears are buzzing; his eyes won’t leave the razor blades sitting in the plastic container his roommate is holding. He stops breathing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Changbin? Hey, Changbin?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His knees give out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Changbin!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His roommate is in his face, touching his cheek and asking him if he’s alright. But Changbin can’t hear him anymore as his throat closes up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He isn’t sure what happens. All he knows is when he regains the ability to think, his face is wet with tears and his throat aches. There are little crescents on his arms and ears. His roommate is looming in his vision with wide, worried eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You back?” his roommate asks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin sees himself nod rather than feeling it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know it’s a lot to take in right now, but you have a problem. You know you need help, right? I can tell you’re struggling.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His roommate shakes the plastic case. The metal clinking together echoes in Changbin’s ears. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to dispose of these.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“N-no.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin’s throat shoots pins and needles at the word. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, but I can’t let you keep hurting yourself.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I-I’ll do it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It takes all his energy to lift his hand. His roommate pulls the tin out of reach. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t trust you to do that.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin knows. His roommate shouldn’t, either. Changbin knows he’d stuff it back in his sock drawer if given the chance to use the very next day. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He watches helplessly as his roommate disappears into the bathroom. The toilet flushes and his roommate comes back in with an empty plastic container. He presses it to Changbin’s palm as if there’s a reason for him to keep it now. Changbin’s hands are ice cold and he doesn’t notice until his roommate’s hand lingers on his. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Either you get help or I’m going to have to tell the RAs and have them contact your family about this.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll get help,” Changbin vows. “Promise.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His roommate stares at him for a long moment. The sincerity in Changbin’s eyes must be convincing, because he bites his lip, sighs, and pats Changbin on the shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know we’re not close, but I do care about your well-being.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It isn’t the breakthrough Changbin was holding out for, so he contemplates how long he can bide his time before his roommate confronts him about this again. This encounter is going to make him be more careful next time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin doesn’t attend class the next day and bails on 3RACHA’s writing session. He claims he’s sick and he is, but it’s just anxiety that cramps his stomach and has him unable to process the world around him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shows up to their lunch table the next day.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi, Bin!” Minho calls. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jisung looks up from his tray, cheeks stuffed full of food. His bewildered expression gives Changbin a clue to how rare his appearances are to his friends lately. Chan’s smiling and asking Changbin if he feels better as Minho pulls Changbin down into the seat between him and Felix. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You good, hyung?” Hyunjin asks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin nods. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good, I’m glad!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We missed you yesterday, hyung,” Seungmin says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Missed you, too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix tucks his chin on Changbin’s shoulder. Minho picks up the chopsticks on the side of Changbin’s tray and starts feeding Changbin. He doesn’t protest or try to avoid the food. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chan's eyes are burning a hole in his cheek. Changbin tries to ignore it as he joins the table’s idle chatter and lets Minho shove food into his mouth occasionally. None of them are acting suspicious or particularly concerned. His roommate must’ve kept quiet about their little incident. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ready to head out?” Chan asks the group once their lunch trays are disposed of. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin has no idea what he’s talking about. He stopped reading their group chat a week ago. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please don’t go, hyung.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeongin is holding his hand, star filled eyes boring deep into his soul. Changbin feels vulnerable and raw in a way that makes him feel a bit sick. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean, Innie?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeongin shakes his head, gaze dropping to the floor. He wraps his arms around Changbin and holds him close for a long beat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I miss your hugs,” he murmurs into Changbin’s shoulder. “I miss you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The words pierce the shield over his emotions. Changbin is horrified to notice tears welling up in his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You guys are fine without me,” he says. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His voice sounds steady. Jeongin squeezes him tighter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not the same. We all need our Binnie hyung.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin’s still scraped raw from his anxiety and the severity of the incident with his roommate. There isn’t a battle to keep his tears at bay and if there was, Changbin loses immediately. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>For a few seconds, nobody at the table notices. It’s not until he heaves a shuddered breath that Jeongin feels that he reacts. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, hyung.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>All eyes turn to the duo at Jeongin’s heartbroken voice. Changbin closes his eyes so he doesn’t have to see them looking at him with worried and pitying expressions. Tears coat his cheeks and seep into Jeongin’s sweater anyways. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s nowhere near the ugly sobbing Changbin expected to happen. His crying is tiny sobs and a hiccup every once in a while through lots of tears and his body trembling. At least like this, nobody in the cafeteria will be alerted to Changbin’s emotional outburst. All they can see is his hands gripping the back of Jeongin’s coat for dear life and his body shuddering with the effort of keeping himself quiet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re here,” Jeongin says. “Let it out.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin takes a long time to calm down and stop crying. He doesn’t feel better or like he’s gotten anything off his chest. It was nice to be held and soothed, though. Especially when it was Jeongin making the sacrifice for him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bin?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He bites his lip, but doesn’t glance up to Chan. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“S-sorry.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t be,” Minho says sternly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin wants to protest and tell them he </span>
  <em>
    <span>knows</span>
  </em>
  <span> he’s been a horrible, neglectful friend to them, but he knows he’ll have an actual breakdown if the words slip out. He stays quiet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How about we have a day in together?” Chan suggests. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin nods. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They make a blanket nest in Chan's living room and curl around Changbin. They watch movies and order takeout—Minho makes sure Changbin eats again. Changbin’s stomach objects to the amount of food, unused to more than one meal per day. As if he’s aware of the pain, Chan cuddles up to him and rubs his stomach distractedly during the movie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin pushes him to drink water and Seungmin throws an extra blanket over him, complaining about how cold Changbin is. Jisung and Felix tell stupid jokes that get him laughing. Jeongin clings to his hand as if Changbin’s going to disappear—which to be fair, he kind of had over the last month. Chan runs his fingers through Changbin’s hair until Changbin falls asleep.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin wakes up the next day feeling more energized. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeongin’s sort of getting to him with the way he clings to Changbin anytime they wind up in the same space. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The guilt ebbs through him and he wonders how he’d ever be able to let his friends know how he feels. How could he come out and say that he’s spent the last nine months in a depressive episode? He lied to them about his well-being for so long. And he’s supposed to worry them by admitting he self-harms and hates himself? That he keeps thinking about disappearing or dying? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A few days later, Minho stares at him for an extended period of time quite openly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You look skinnier.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin paints on a smile. It looks pained and misplaced. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s good, right?” he asks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minho frowns. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re losing muscle mass, Bin.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minho says it as if Changbin hasn’t noticed how small he’s becoming. He’s shrinking and it sort of feels like he truly </span>
  <em>
    <span>is</span>
  </em>
  <span> disappearing more and more each day. Changbin hates himself for being too tired to go to the gym and he hates his body so much that he refuses to look at it and acknowledge his reality. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s not that bad. He’s just having some bad days, is all. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin lies to his roommate and says he’s booked an appointment with his doctor to find a therapist. He tells his roommate that the appointment isn’t until the week Winter Break starts to buy himself some time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He spends less time in his room and more time sticking to whichever friend will have him. Minho and Felix take him out to cafes to feed him sweets. Changbin kind of realizes they’re doing it to help him gain his weight back and he’s grateful they want to help him. Chan and Jisung gently prod him into considering going back to the gym with them. Changbin doesn’t have the energy to right now, so he says “maybe soon.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin and Seungmin drag him out to town and insist on buying him warmer clothes. Changbin tries to tell them he’s simply a little iron deficient and that his clothes are fine, but they won’t let him put back the sweaters or pay for them himself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeongin and Felix rope him into cuddle sessions and convince him to do stupid dances with them. Changbin laughs for the first time a while at their antics. He feels like a moron when he dances and he knows they aren’t judging him, but he still wants to disappear when they watch him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A week after the cafeteria breakdown, Changbin is lying on Chan's living room floor with Jisung draped over his stomach. They’re having a sleepover for the hell of it and Changbin’s waiting for Minho to get out of the shower. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s nice to have you back,” Seungmin says, flopping down next to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sleepovers are boring without your snoring,” Hyunjin teases. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Like you’re any better,” Changbin scoffs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He, Jisung, and Seungmin simultaneously imitate Hyunjin’s sleep screaming. Hyunjin’s ears turn red and he huffs, turning away from them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Assholes.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minho wanders into the living room with wet hair a few minutes later. Changbin has to shake Jisung off and scramble to the shower before somebody else takes his spot in line. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin zones out for a little while in the hot spray. His bad days are more turbulent now; he’s more anxious than ever. The numbness and intrusive thoughts tend to save themselves for moments like these where he’s all alone. He scrubs extra hard over his hips where his scars and healing cuts lie—he isn’t stupid enough to bring his blade to a sleepover. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His eyes avoid the mirror when he steps out of the shower. Changbin hasn’t been able to recognize his reflection since September. He stands in the middle of the room lost in his own thoughts for a while. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Finally, Changbin snaps out of his daze and starts pulling on his clothes. His sweatpants hang low on his hips, attesting to the weight he’s lost in this daze he can’t shake himself from. He’s halfway through getting his shirt on when the door opens. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Bin—”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He yanks the fabric the rest of the way down hurriedly. Changbin’s heartbeat rushes in his ears, anxiety buzzing under his skin. He prays that the intruder didn’t see anything as the door shuts, leaving the two alone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hyung.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chan looks absolutely devastated. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Changbin…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fuck, he needs to be more careful. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay, hyung?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I should be asking </span>
  <em>
    <span>you </span>
  </em>
  <span>that question.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chan's got a haunted, pained look in his eyes as he stares at Changbin’s hips. It was only a split second, but they both know what he saw. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Changbin, why don’t you tell hyung what’s going on?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>For some reason, the words unleash the torrent of emotions Changbin’s been harboring since February. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin throws himself into Chan's arms, knocking them both to the bathroom floor. Changbin’s wailing, blabbering unintelligibly as he clutches Chan with shaking hands. He knows he’s being way too loud and obvious about his breakdown, but he’s lost in some little corner in the back of his mind. Chan holds onto him tightly and somewhere in the mess, Changbin realizes that Chan's started crying with him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Neither of them hear the door open or notice the others shuffle in. Changbin cries himself dry an hour later. His throat aches and his eyes are swollen and his nose is raw. He’s limp against Chan's chest and he eventually registers all the bodies in the room with him. All of them have evidence of tear tracks on their cheeks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know we have to talk about this,” Chan says after he settles down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Changbin nods, a whimper constricting his throat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t come to us.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He can’t say what he needs to say, but he manages to burst into a more sluggish set of tears. Minho pets his hair and Changbin’s reminded of his mother. It feels so nice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chan lets him fall asleep in his lap right there on the bathroom floor. Changbin wakes up in Chan's bed with his friends crammed around him. They don’t notice he’s awake for a while, but they’re gentle and affectionate when they do. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Minho makes him eat first. Then Chan gives Changbin the option to speak to him alone, or to speak to all of them at once. Changbin sits on the couch with his friends sitting on the floor in front of him as he rehashes the year he’s been having. All of them cry at one point or another and Changbin gets hugged every few minutes when he struggles to say the harder things. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He admits to the self-harm and being caught by his roommate two weeks ago. Changbin tells them about his anxiety and how worthless he feels. He makes sure they know he’s felt loved by them in that time, but he simply couldn’t bring himself to be around anyone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They’re supportive, of course. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chan and Minho help Changbin book an appointment with a doctor—for real, this time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chan attends the doctor’s appointment with him and encourages him to be honest about his problems. He helps Changbin call the therapist and set up his first appointment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chan and Minho diligently make sure he’s eating. He lets Hyunjin use different creams to make his cuts heal and his scars fade. Minho sends him lots of pictures of his cats that make Changbin smile. Minho frets over how cold his hands are and whether or not he’s wearing enough layers that day. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hyunjin and Seungmin cuddle him constantly and drag 3RACHA out of the studio whenever they seem like they’re overworking. Seungmin becomes more outwardly loving towards Changbin and Jeongin follows suit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jeongin is, surprisingly enough, the one who gets Changbin back in the gym. He’s starting to bulk up again and he’s got a long way to go before he regains the muscle mass he’s lost, but he’s getting there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Felix and Jisung get even more crazy and hilarious. But they both make sure he’s taking care of himself and they’re the first two to notice if Changbin’s having a bad day. Felix gives him killer massages when Changbin works too hard at the gym. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chan and Jisung encourage Changbin to put his negative feelings to lyrics and a beat. He turns in a song called Streetlight for his winter final that earns him an excellent grade and praise from the board of professors. It’s the first song he’s ever submitted that is solely his work. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At the end of the winter semester, Minho and Changbin’s roommate switch rooms. Minho plans on keeping an eye on Changbin every day to make sure he eats, showers, and stays on top of his healthy coping mechanisms. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The hardest part comes when Changbin goes back home. Telling his family about his depression and anxiety is gut wrenching. He cries a lot and his mother does, too. His family holds him and dotes on him more than they’re already prone to do. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It takes some work, but he’s started feeling loved and valued again.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
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